What I have learned from being homeless.

This is a blog created to help me get away from homelessness. I am trying to raise funds. If you can help there is paypal link in the right nav bar.
Days now, without running water, 37.
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What I have learned from being homeless.

I know that I have been on this journey for a reason. I know there was something I needed to learn, and I hope I have learned it. I have learned that kindness it the most important and valuable thing in the world, and it doesn’t cost a thing. Kindness has become my religion.

I have learned it is not what happens to you that matters, as much as how you react to it.  Caring for my paralyzed mother didn’t cause my depression. My reaction to caring for my paralyzed mother caused my depression.

I have learned the difference between need and want, and that I need very few possessions, really, to get by. Unlike my previous life, and most “regular” people, I use 100% of my few things 100% of the time. I don’t HAVE things I don’t use.

I have learned that things that look scary are not always so. The same goes for things that look nice.

I have learned, you don’t TRULY need anything you can’t carry, and you will risk much to protect those things.

I have learned to keep moving forward because you really can’t go home again.

I have also learned that the people that will hurt you the most, never meant to hurt you at all, and those people are totally clueless that they have just dealt you a devastating emotional blow. Those people, think they know everything, and they don’t know anything.

When you finally understand that you don’t know, what you don’t know, only then can you be truly understanding and compassionate.

I have learned that if you don’t have TV, which I don’t, and your don’t have internet access, someone has to tell you about the Boston Marathon bombing. Subsequently I learned that I don’t miss the 24 hour news cycle.

I have learned that you cannot gauge nor judge my emotional pain or the depth of my depression any more than I can judge yours, and one’s compassion and empathy towards everyone should reflect that. You can’t accurately describe to me what it is like to give birth any more than I can accurately convey to you the gut-wrenching sadness of feeling disposable. The feeling that, if no one truly cares that I AM here, does it really matter if I stay here, and will it even have mattered that I WAS here.

I believe I am valuable and worth saving. But no man is an island and I have learned that I cannot get out of this alone.  I hope you can help, just a bit. Could you please?

Thanks and blessings – Kathleen

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10 people with $25 walk into a bar . . .

I am trying to raise money and I am failing spectacularly. If I cant raise at least 52.30 by tomorrow, I can’t even continue this blog.  I won’t be able to get online, and I will be isolated.

The town I live in now, I am not from here. I don’t know many people. And I have no family now that my mom is gone.

I have no TV. No radio, no clock, other than my phone and computer. I am so grateful to have my computer.  It is 5 years old and I am grateful for every day that it ‘hangs in there‘.

I don’t get out much. I have one neighbor that takes me to the grocery store when he can, otherwise I am here. Alone, except for the dogs.  — Bless the dogs, they don’t even care that we are broke or have no running water. They just want to be wherever I am. ♥ ♥ Love ♥ ♥

I don’t get out much, yet I can connect with strangers on the other side of the world through the internet.

I know I am here, in this place of destitution for a reason. I just don’t yet know what that reason is, or in fact, how to get to the point of change all alone, but I continue to search with hope.

I could really, really use some assistance.

If you can help a stranger, there are contribute links in the right nav bar.

Blessings, and thanks for listening 😀

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

10 people, times $25, equals ‘can you help‘?

I started a crowd funding campaign to see if I could get help online to prevent me and my dogs from becoming homeless . . . again.  Right now I am hovering on the edge of it.

I have come far, but truly need help to go further.

I know if I could get 100 people to contribute $25 it would make a significant change in my life.  In return I want to send each person a small gift with a number on it in the order that the contributions are received, hence the “count”.  So far, I not been able to entice even one person to help me 😦

My story is not GRIPPING enough. To know more about me read the campaign text. I didn’t save a baby from a burning building, or return a found bag of money (though I would!). I am just a nice person who really needs help. Nothing extraordinary about me.

I currently have a ‘roof’. I stay in a vacant apartment, in disrepair, that is up for short sale, but I still have to pay utilities. My power bill is due in 4 days and is $119. My water has already been turned off because I couldn’t pay it, its been off since September 5th. To have it turned back on will cost $131 and I truly need a shower :D.

My hope is to find 10 people who could contribute right now, so that I can cover those two things.

If you can help there is a link in the right nav bar to the campaign, AND another link to a make a contribution directly using paypal. (Use any debit or credit card, safely. Only paypal sees your info.)

Blessings . . . and thanks for listening.

Is it possible I had a mini-stroke?

Night before last something happened to me, I thought I might be having a heart attack.  I had no chest pain, but my father had what they call a silent heart attack and he had no chest pain, he just felt really, really awful, and weak, and didn’t feel like eating anything . . . For 3 WEEKS.  Silent heart attack.  (Died soon after).  Anyway, night before last I felt like I had over exerted myself and something was ‘wrong’ everywhere.  All this week I have had pain in the muscles of both my arms.  I say muscles because I have pain in my hips and knees but it’s in the joint not the muscle so I think it is weird to have pain in my muscles unless I have been exerting my muscles, which I haven’t.  So night before last, I felt awful and I still had pain in both my arms but it was no different than it had been for a week. I took ibuprofen and slept very well, but felt physically weak when I got up yesterday morning and at one point everything got dark and I actually almost blacked out for a second.  It was just for a second and as I instantly went to sit down and it passed. But that really worried me. I called to tell my one nice neighbor, asked her to check on me later. I unlocked the front door in case I had to call an ambulance, and I put my medications in a plastic bag near the door.  For the rest of the day I took it easy.  I didn’t even walk the dogs in the evening. My appetite was just fine. Went to bed.  Slept normal.

I just now got up this morning and my left hand is not working right.  Specifically my thumb and forefinger.  It’s like someone disconnected the pathways between my brain and my fingers. Like I am trying to get someone else’s fingers to work using just my thoughts. Is it possible to have had a stroke so tiny that it could only affect a couple of fingers?  (I haven’t looked it up yet, I just know there IS lots of stroke in my family.)  My uncle had a stroke and he was just saying weird things and he went to the hospital, but after all was said and done he had no permanent effects.  The only strokes I know a lot about are serious massive strokes.  My grandmother, my mother, my mother’s brother. (Not the same uncle.)  Anyway, one of the first things I do when getting up is put my hair in a pony tail, and today I couldn’t.  It took me a few minutes to figure out what was happening.  I grabbed my hair with both hands and pulled it into a pony tail. Then I grabbed my scrunchy with my right hand, wrapped it around my hair and transferred the scrunchy to my left hand to continue the wrap . . . And nothing happened.  It was disorienting.  My left hand with the scrunchy wrapped around it was just hanging there, above my head, all the while my brain is thinking, “wrap up the hair and transfer it back to the other hand,” but nothing was happening.  It seems that I can move my left  thumb and forefinger, but not very well, especially my thumb, and I have no strength in it.  I can’t seem to put pressure on anything with my thumb.  Like having a fake thumb taped to your hand.  You can use your hand to press the fake thumb up against something but you can’t really hold onto it.  No pressure.  So I spend like, 20 minutes sitting on the side of my bed trying to figure what I can and can’t do with my thumb and forefinger, and I already have limited use of my left ring and pinky finger. Though not the most crucial of fingers, they are nice to have.  And now that I am having trouble with my thumb and forefinger I am REALLY angry!

I am grateful that if I have had a stroke at all, that the parts affected are so minor.  I am also grateful that whatever has affected my fingers, that they are fingers on my LEFT hand, since I am right handed.  Now that I think about it. I am grateful that all the affect fingers that have limited use are on the SAME hand.  So instead of having two partially lame hands, I have at least one 100% good hand, and its my RIGHT one.  I am just angry because I am already struggling in the world, and as I said to someone recently, it is harder to be optimistic when you know you are NOT getting younger, or stronger, or more energetic. Quite the contrary.  If suddenly my life were ‘perfect’ I have ‘parts’ that are broken.  Today, new ones.  Yeah, I am pretty mad.

When I realized how annoyed I was, I wasn’t sure whether or not I would be able TYPE at all.  After I hurt both my hands two years ago, I had to re-learn how to type without using all my fingers.  I can no longer bend my left pinky and ring finger.  It occurred to me very early this morning that I may AGAIN have to re-learn how to type with less fingers, – argh – so since I was mad and ready to vent, I decided lets try it. Let’s see if I can type up a blog post.

The good news is, I can. It seems that I don’t even use my left thumb when I type, and the forefinger is doing ok, so at least I can type as well as I did before 😀

I am REALLY grateful for that!

My fundraising campaign – by the numbers.

I am not sure if even ONE person will be willing to help me get back on my feet, let alone 100. But if I can get ANY people to help, here is what I need right now and how many people it would take.

The electric bill is due by September 30th. Its $145
Electric bill . . . . . . . 6 people

The water has been off since the 6th. Its $131. Thats for two months.
Water bill . . . . . . . 6 people

I need to fill a prescription $20
Meds . . . . . . . 1 person

You can sponsor an animal in a shelter or a child in a third world country. Why NOT sponsor an adult in need. Why not my life?
Campaign link. http://igg.me/at/kind

I haven’t been able to figure this out.

http://igg.me/at/kind
I haven’t been able to figure this out. And its not from lack of trying. I want to be able to help people, and I can’t even help myself, but for short periods of time. I don’t want to be homeless again. I don’t want to live without water. I don’t want to live without power. But, NO income is NO income. I feel so STUCK. It’s been almost six years since my mother died and I thought THEN, that I would just ’go back to my life’. My depression and the economy didn’t allow that. The depression is much better, though I will never be the same person I was before my mom’s stroke. Am I broken?  A bit, but we all are to some degree. Broken doesn’t mean useless. It does mean changed. Different. You find a way to work around it. We get older and need reading glasses. A person who can’t walk uses a wheelchair. It’s all a work-around. The depression work-around is less visible. I stay home more. Shelter myself emotionally. Take fewer risks. See more everyday things as risks. Sometimes I hide because it feels safer. Sometimes people are mean.

I am smart and resourceful. Why can’t I figure out how to get back on my feet? I am surprised. Baffled. I am unaccustomed to problems I can’t figure out. And figure out fairly quickly. You get to a point when you think, “If I haven’t figured out how to fix this by now, am I EVER going to be able to figure it out?” It’s called ‘losing hope’ and I hate it.

I truly need help.
– Kathleen