I haven’t been able to figure this out.

I haven’t been able to figure this out. And its not from lack of trying. I want to be able to help people, and I can’t even help myself, but for short periods of time. I don’t want to be homeless again. I don’t want to live without water. I don’t want to live without power. But, NO income is NO income. I feel so STUCK. It’s been almost six years since my mother died and I thought THEN, that I would just ’go back to my life’. My depression and the economy didn’t allow that. The depression is much better, though I will never be the same person I was before my mom’s stroke. Am I broken?  A bit, but we all are to some degree. Broken doesn’t mean useless. It does mean changed. Different. You find a way to work around it. We get older and need reading glasses. A person who can’t walk uses a wheelchair. It’s all a work-around. The depression work-around is less visible. I stay home more. Shelter myself emotionally. Take fewer risks. See more everyday things as risks. Sometimes I hide because it feels safer. Sometimes people are mean.

I am smart and resourceful. Why can’t I figure out how to get back on my feet? I am surprised. Baffled. I am unaccustomed to problems I can’t figure out. And figure out fairly quickly. You get to a point when you think, “If I haven’t figured out how to fix this by now, am I EVER going to be able to figure it out?” It’s called ‘losing hope’ and I hate it.

I truly need help.
– Kathleen